最幽默的英語笑話

最幽默的英語笑話（通用19個）

　　一個人的聰明才智會在幽默的談吐中閃光，并且會深深吸引他人。下面，小編給大家收集整理了最幽默的英語笑話，增加幽默細胞，聰明的你一定會成為閃光點。以下是小編整理的最幽默的英語笑話，歡迎閱讀。

　　最幽默的英語笑話 1

　　Who is he waiting for 他在等誰

　　Two friends were having lunch at a café in new Yorks Grand Central Terminal. They noticed a man sitting alone at an adjoining table. When the waitress approached him, they overheard her ask, "Are you waiting to be joined by a tall, thin woman with long, blond hair?" He answered, "In the large scheme of my life, yes, but today Im meeting my wife." 兩個朋友在紐約市汽車中心總站的'一家咖啡廳里吃午飯。 他們注意到一個男人獨自坐在鄰桌。當服務員小姐走向他時，無意中聽到她問那個男人：“你是在等一位個子很高，很瘦，留長發，皮膚很白的金發女人嗎?” 那人回答說：“在我生活的長遠規劃中，我是在等。但是今天，我卻是在等我的妻子。”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 2

　　Grandpa: It’s time for dinner Bao Bao. Wash up!

　　Grandson (Bao Bao, 12 years old): Aw Grandpa, I don’t want rice again. Can you take me to KFC tonight? Please?

　　Grandpa: I suppose so, but you’ll have to show me where it is. We’ll take the bus.

　　At the counter of KFC…

　　Grandpa: Why are children so crazy about chicken wings and hamburgers? What’s so good about them?

　　Grandson: Hmm…hmm. Hey, I’ll take 2 chicken wings and a Coke, OK?

　　At the table…

　　Grandpa: Bao Bao, do you like being Chinese or do you sometimes wish you could live in America or Europe?

　　Grandson: Uh, maybe America, I think the foods there are cool. Why?

　　Grandpa: Well, when I was your age, I liked to go out with my parents and eat in a Chinese restaurant. We didn’t have chicken wings or the drink with bubbles. We drank tea and we had rice and traditional Chinese dishes.

　　Grandson: Grandpa, I want some French fries. Can I have some?

　　Grandpa: Phew…all right! Children are children after all. Bao Bao, do you know what children ate in the past? They ate spring rolls when spring was coming, glutinous rice balls during the Lantern Festival and if they behaved well, their parents would probably buy them small steamed bread made with corn flour…I can still remember the taste, that sweet…

　　Grandson: I want more chicken wings, can I, Grandpa?

　　Grandpa: You’ve already eaten too much of that, Bao Bao! A lot of your friends are getting fat too…you know, in the good old days, we…

　　Grandson: Grandpa, pass the ketchup,‘kay?

　　爺爺和孫子之間的爆笑對話

　　親歷快餐

　　爺爺：寶寶，該吃晚飯了，去洗洗手吧。

　　孫子(寶寶，12歲)：噢，爺爺，我不想吃米飯!您能帶我去吃肯德基嗎?求您啦!

　　爺爺：好吧，只是你得告訴我它在哪兒。我們坐公交車去吧。

　　在肯德基的柜臺前……

　　爺爺：為什么孩子們如此熱衷于雞翅和漢堡呢?有什么好吃的!

　　孫子：嗯……我要兩個雞翅和一杯可樂，可以嗎?

　　在餐桌旁……

　　爺爺：寶寶，你是喜歡當個中國人，還是有時候會想當個美國人或是歐洲人?

　　孫子：嗯，也許想當個美國人吧，那里的食物都很酷。為什么要問這個?

　　爺爺：喔，在我像你這么大時，我喜歡跟我的父母一起去中國餐館吃飯。我們那時沒有雞翅，也沒有這種會冒泡的飲料。我們喝茶，吃米飯和傳統的中國菜。

　　孫子：爺爺，我想吃薯條，行不行啊?

　　爺爺：喲，好吧!畢竟是孩子!寶寶，你知道過去的'孩子吃什么嗎?春天來了，他們會吃春卷;元宵節時，他們會吃元宵。如果表現得好，父母還會給他們買玉米面做的小窩頭……我至今還記得那滋味兒，甜甜的……

　　孫子：我想再要點雞翅，可以嗎，爺爺?

　　爺爺：寶寶，你已經吃了不少啦。你的很多朋友都變胖了。你知道嗎?在過去那些好日子里，我們……

　　孫子：爺爺，把番茄醬遞給我一下!

　　最幽默的英語笑話 3

　　Put your feet in 把腳放進去

　　The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle, and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary!" called the teacher sharply. "Yes, Madam?" questioned the pupil, "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"

　　一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴里起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被老師發現了。“瑪麗!”老師嚴厲地叫她。“什么事，老師?”這女學生問。“把口香糖從嘴里拿出來，把腳放進去。”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 4

　　Lucky Mother

　　A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well. Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam. Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Arent you pleased that youve come to live with us now?"

　　幸運的母親

　　一位年輕的'母親認為，世界上還有許多受饑餓的人，浪費食物真不應該。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女兒睡覺之前，她給女兒喂夜宵。她先給她一片新鮮的黑面包和黃油，但孩子說她不喜歡這樣吃。她還要一些果醬涂在面包上。 母親看了女兒幾秒鐘，隨即說道，“露茜，當我象你一樣小的時候，總是吃面包加黃油，或者面包加果醬，從來沒有面包既加黃油又加果醬。” 露茜看了母親一會兒，眼中露出憐憫的神情，然后她柔聲說：“您現在能跟我們生活在一起難道不感到高興嗎?”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 5

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開。”

　　“為什么我要用我的'肘和腳呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧?”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 6

　　its me all right

　　A pretty young lady went to cash a check at a bank. The teller examined it, then asked, "Can you identify yourself? “Looking puzzled, the girl dipped into her handbag and pulled out a small mirror. She glanced into it for a moment, then smiled, "Yes, its me all right."

　　這就是我

　　一位年輕漂亮的女士到銀行取錢。出納員在檢查了她的存折后問道：“您能證明您的身份嗎？” 這個女孩聽了這話以后看上去很迷惑，隨后她從手提包里拿出一個小鏡子。她對著鏡子照了一會兒，笑了：“對呀，這就是我。

　　現在的專欄不用權限就可以任意加入了,但是也發亂七八糟的了.請在此發貼的'人,看清楚了好不好?

　　最幽默的英語笑話 7

　　How Did You Ever Get Here

　　你是怎樣來的?

　　One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

　　一個冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什么遲到了四十五分鐘才起來上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向后退兩步。”

　　The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

　　老板狐疑地看著他。“噢，是嗎?那你是怎樣到這里來的?”

　　"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

　　“后來我決定放棄，”他說，“然后我就往家里走。”

　　最幽默的.英語笑話 8

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

　　His wife hears the commotion, knows that he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

　　小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水里。于是他開始掙扎并喊救命。

　　他的'妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他并不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什么? 一個女生舉手答道，是不是去取他的存款?

　　最幽默的英語笑話 9

　　Larry and Harry drove 500 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.On the way home, Harry fiddled with（擺弄，玩弄） a calculator while Larry drove. After an hour, Harry said, Do you realize that this one fish we caught cost us almost $2,000?Wow! Larry said, Its a good thing we didnt catch any more.

　　拉里和哈里驅車500英里去釣魚。兩人花了一大筆錢租了一間小屋，又花了差不多同樣的錢租了一條船。兩人釣了三天，只釣到一條魚。在回家的路上，拉里開車，哈里撥弄著計算器。一小時后，哈里說：你可知道我們釣的`這條魚幾乎用掉我們2000美元？哇！拉里應答：幸虧我們沒有多釣到魚。

　　最幽默的英語笑話 10

　　The Umbrella

　　A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: "This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes." When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,"This card belongs to a man who can run tenmiles an hour. I shall not come back."

　　雨傘

　　一位住在旅館的紳士把他的雨傘放在了大廳里，不過他在傘柄上系了一張卡片，上面寫道，“此傘屬于一位能舉百磅的紳士。我將在十分鐘內回來。當他回來時，發現雨傘已經不翼而飛，取而代之的.是另一張卡片，上面寫著：“此卡是一位一小時能跑十英里的人留下的，我將永遠不回來了。”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 11

　　巧合

　　A woman was singing. One of the guest criticized the singer to the man beside him.

　　臺上一個女士正在放聲高歌，臺下的一個聽眾跟他旁邊的一個男人抱怨說，

　　"What a terrible voice." He said. "Do you know who she is?"

　　“這是什么嗓子啊？你知道她是誰嗎？”

　　The man beside him answered. "She is my wife."

　　那個男人回答，“她是我老婆。”

　　"Oh, Im sorry." he said. "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is too bad.

　　“哦，抱歉，抱歉，我的意思是說她嗓子不差，就是曲子太難聽了。

　　I wonder who wrote that awful song."

　　我真是想不到誰會寫出這么難聽的曲子呢？”

　　"I did." said the man.

　　那個男人回答，“是我寫的'！”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 12

　　One Side of the Case

　　一面之辭

　　A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

　　一位法官問我們這群修補陪審員是否有人應當免權。一個人舉起了手。

　　"I cant hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

　　“我的左耳聽不見。”那人告訴法官。

　　"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

　　“你的`右邊耳朵聽得見嗎?”法官問道。那人點了點頭。

　　"Youll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

　　“你將被允許加入陪審團，”法官宣布。“我們每次只聽一面之辭。

　　最幽默的英語笑話 13

　　Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

　　"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

　　The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

　　There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

　　兩個獵人在森林里打獵，突然一人暈倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滯。另外一個人掏出手機，撥打911。

　　“我想我的'朋友死了！”他喊道，“我該怎么辦？”

　　接線員說：“請冷靜。首先，請確認他是否真的死了。”接著一陣沉寂，然后是一聲槍響。回到電話中，獵人接著說：“好了，然后呢？”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 14

　　Dumas仲馬

　　One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry. “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to knowmygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”

　　有一天，一個人在嘲弄法國大小說家亞歷山大·仲馬，譏笑他的祖先。 那家伙厲聲說：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血兒，你父親是黑白混血兒，而你的祖父是個黑人。” “是的，”仲馬大聲回敬：“還有呢，如果你想知道的話， 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其實我的血統起始于你的血統終止的`地方。”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 15

　　Black eyes

　　A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

　　The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

　　The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

　　“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 16

　　A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "Im not dead. Im still alive."

　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

　　一個男人在街上被出租車撞倒送進了醫院。他的妻子站在他的.床前對醫生說：“我想他傷得很厲害。”

　　醫生說：“恐怕他已經死了。”

　　聽到醫生的話，這個男人轉動著頭說：“我沒死，我還活著。”

　　妻子說：“安靜，醫生比你懂得多。”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 17

　　A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Dont you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.

　　一位公路巡警截住了一個超速司機。“難道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的'意思嗎？”他責問道。

　　"Yes, sir," replied the driver.

　　“知道，長官，”司機回答說。

　　"Then why didnt you pull over immediately?"

　　“那你為什么不立即靠邊停車？”

　　"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.

　　“我本來想這樣做的，長官。”那男子回答說，“但上個月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來。”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 18

　　籃球教練的`心理學測試

　　The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oraltest.

　　一位剛剛做完一場有關心理健康講座的心理學指導老師，正在進行一個口頭測試。

　　Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patientwho walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chairweeping uncontrollably the next?"

　　測試主題定為躁狂抑郁癥，她問道：“你將怎樣診斷這樣的一個病人，他先是來回走著并大聲叫喊了一分鐘，然后坐在一張椅子上失控般地哭泣。”

　　A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

　　一個坐在后面的年輕人舉手答道：“他是一個籃球教練?”

　　最幽默的英語笑話 19

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"

　　一位耳聾并且總是嫌東西太貴的老太太走進一家商店。 她問店員：“這東西要多少錢？”

　　"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."

　　“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的。” 老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多。” 店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元。”

　　"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."

　　“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦。”

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